English Redneck's Rants & Reviews

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Console Comparisons 2007

I haven't posted for a year, but when your audience is small and doesn't give a shit, its easier to get away with it. So what better way to come back, than to write a post that is guaranteed to upset and piss off a good 95% of the audience, which when I last checked up on was about five people.

This post is essentially my views of each of the three main consoles in their current situation and where I see it going and needing to go. That's where the fun lies in this subject, cause for every person with a decent opinion, there are fifty fucktards that will reply with a one sentance answer that just totally blows any arguement and well thoughtout opinion out of the water. These answers tend to consist of arguement settling "words", such as:
suckz
OMG !!!!!1!!11!!!1!
FTW
WTF
iz best cuz it got "insert game title here"

You know what though ? For the slagging off I'm giving these guys, if they were involved in politics, arguing over the state of our Countries on TV, I would watch every fucking day ! I mean George W. comes pretty close, but he still doesn't quite hit the mark. With the state of society overall though, I wouldn't be suprised if they come up with a fuckin Prime Minister/President X-Factor show soon, at least then they'd have the stupid text speak teen mob motivated into voting.

So onto the main point I'm supposed to be talking about, I'm actually going to section it off into three seperate parts. That way, if any of you are one of those sad wanker types I've mentioned above, you'll be able to skip straight to the console you, uh, fight for. And incidentally, those Army ads you see before you view upcoming game movies on various sites - they don't sign you up to the Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo Armies. They land you in Iraq - and there's no respawns. That tip is free. Fuckin freaks.

XBox 360
Microsoft have done pretty well with the console to this point. Live has evolved into something that can be seen as worth the yearly membership fee and the games are coming along nicely. Although the console has lost ground to the Wii, I can see it coming out on top by the time the next batch of consoles start hitting shelves. The main thing Microsoft has done right has to be the titles they are securing, even if a number are just timed exclusives. Thing is, for all thats being done right, you just can't escape that ring of death shit. Of course there are people that claim they've had no problems, but theres no hiding it and it remains the key negative note on the console.

The PS2 recieived similar comments, questioning reliability as being a factor in the large sales figures. Apparently, particularly in Japan, it was cheaper to just buy a brand new console, rather than send the current one out for repairs. This is a problem that needs to be stamped out, or Microsoft risk losing a good amount of the customers they've gained. Afterall, this isn't the OS market, people have a realistic choice and will take their money elsewhere when you piss them off enough, a lesson Sony has been learning all too well lately.

Another negative point is to do with the downloadable content. Some developers, such as Besthesda, I have nothing but praise for. They have given great support to what I see as one of the best titles money can buy right now - Oblivion. But then, you get these other "shady" downloads. When you bought Chromehounds, did you notice how the download content was really small in size ? This same thing seems to be happening with Beautiful Katamari. The reason these downloads are so small is because they're not actual proper download content. They are a key, a key that unlocks the content, on the disc, that you've ALREADY FUCKING PAID FOR !!!!

And so the shitty, yet predictable bullshit of micro transactions begins ! Its bad enough that you pay for it through Mickey Mouse Microsoft points, that are there to throw shit in your eyes, shielding your view away from what it's really costing you in real money, but this kind of crap really takes you for a prized Donkey's balls sack ! When I bought Chromehounds, I don't seem to remember seeing a warning on the box that read "comes with a free kick in the bollocks !" Maybe Beautiful Katamari will, if so, maybe one of you guys might be able to update me on it.

And that fucking motto box for your profile, that was designed for people with something clever to say eh ? I mean, 21 spaces, what the fuck, am I gonna do with all that space !? Shit, Maybe I'll write an autobiography !

So where do Microsoft go from here ? Well, I think we have to accept that we're going to be covered in cotton wool when it comes to protection from the typed swear word (or anything remotely unpleasent), while then proceeding to go online, only to have an 11 year old scream that you're a cock sucking n***** fag.

But advice I would give would be to first, make sure that the reliability issues are dealt with so that it doesn't become a factor hovering over the next console. Next, improve some of the general community stuff, such as creating a decent player profile that others can view and chat options that allow you to have more than one person in private chat. Also, it would be nice to see a more solid release schedule for the Live Arcade. For every great game, there seems to be a large number of shit games filling the weeks. But in terms of the games we're buying from shop shelves, things seem to be on track with plenty of great titles on the way.

Playstation 3
You know what ? I've figured it all out, this console started life as a horribly gone wrong bet between the likes of Ken Kutaragi, Kaz Hirai and George Harrison. Having gained such a big lead with the Playstation 2, Nintendo seemingly waiting to be finished off with a baseball bat and Microsoft winning a few minor victories. These guys decided to have a "can you top this" game, where they each make complete and utter fuckwads of themselves as much as possible, while still selling millions of PS3 consoles.

Unfortunatly, an unforseen circumstance surfaced and the general public seems to have developed a level of intelligence where they won't actually just buy anything that has the Playstation brand stamped on it. And now, Sony are stuck in a pit they dug themselves and stuck up shit creek without a paddle. They've lost the big position they had over Microsoft in being able to grab the majority of titles and the power to grab the bigger exclusives/timed exclusives.

The latest mistake is to release this 40gb version of the console that is set to replace the 60gb version. No memory card slots and less HDD space on a console that is starting to push people into downloading games like Warhawk rather than buying them from store shelves ? The only plus point that can be taken from this, is that its pushing people on the fence into buying the 60gb version before it's phased out completely, helping sales in the short term over Christmas.

The big mistake overall has been the Blu-Ray format. In their almost obssessive determination to shove this format down our throats. Sony have made a huge cock up. Now, in a perfect world, Blu-Ray would be wonderful, everyone would be watching movies in Hi-Def and the games ? Well, they'd all be huge ! But this isn't the case and this format has been pushed way too early. It seems developers hate working with the PS3. Not only that, but it's very costly for them. This means that no bastard is going to sit down and make a huge game with all this space available, when they're not going to see enough profit coming back. Plus why are developers going to make a version of their game for the 360 that will sell shitloads and then lose money trying to make a better version for the PS3, which won't bring back as much profit because of the much smaller consumer base ?

This leads to the other negative point about Blu-Ray - it is a cost too expensive for the public. Both Sony and Microsoft are promoting the Hi-Def route, but with Sony, its like you're being dragged kicking and screaming by your fucking legs into it. Nowhere near enough people own an HDTV right now to warrant the extra cost of owning a PS3. Both the PS3 and 360 look better in HD, but you don't need it to play the games. But then, what does the PS3 offer over the 360 to warrant the extra cost in price ? It seems that the 360 has the upper hand in terms of the upcoming choice of games and the online service, although free, is very much inferior to XBox Live.

This leaves you with a built in Blu-Ray player, a fucking movie format that most consumers can't even take advantage of right now. Yes, HDTVs are coming down in price, but not enough for the average guy trying to convince his other half that it's a great idea to piss a grand into the wind to get the most out of his new Playstation setup. Can't imagine Santa squeezing his fat ass down people's chimneys to fill that Christmas order for the kids either !

What Sony need to do is take this fuck up on the chin, keep the 60gb version with its usual setup and bring the price down to as close to the 360 as possible, at least matching the 360 Elite. They then need to work on exclusive titles that Microsoft can't rip from their hands. A new God Of War, a new Demolition Derby game with online play. They then need to get Home out and keep developing new ideas to add to it, just as Microsoft did with XBox Live. Plus they really need to work on the communication online. Get something going so that every PS3 owner has a headset - typing is shit in games, no fucker wants their head blown off while they try to explain to their team what they're going to do next.

Then its a case of waiting to see what happens in the next year. A combination of Home and titles such as MGS4, Lair and Final Fantasy might yet just pull Sony out of the gutter and get things going. But its going to take a release schedule with more muscle behind it than that to keep things going. And that whole grabbing games that are already out on 360 three months to a year prior, with fuck all improvments or notable changes ? Yeah that has to stop.

Nintendo Wii
Who would have thought it - just as it seems Nintendo are about to die in the home console market, they kick the coffin lid off and run across the graveyard screaming, while running after Sony and Microsoft, showering them with bullets from an automatic rifle.

The Wii has been selling as well as Jessica Alba would if she could make submissive sex slave clones of herself, going for a tenner. No doubt this Christmas, parents and partners will be beating eachother with large blunt objects and selling themselves on street corners to grab one of these, rather than suffer the concequences of not delivering the goods at the end of December.

So with all this glory, how could anything possibly go wrong ? Well simply because of the release schedule, unless you're 8 years old, it's shit ! Don't get me wrong, there's some great titles out and a few on the way, but just look at the release schedule and you'll find anything good drowning in a sea of shit such as:
My French Coach
Shrek Babies
Pippa Funnell: Ranch Rescue
Princess
Action Girlz Racing
Alvin And The Chipmunks
My Horse And Me
Cheggers Party Quiz

See the worrying picture there ? I mean Alvin and the fuckin Chipmunks ? Wow ! Better get fucking saving for that gem ! And what fucked up, sad, retarded bastard who should have been aborted came up with a fucking Cheggers game !? Is Ken Kutaragi offering ideas to Nintendo now or something ? For fuck sake !

Yeah, I know Nintendo have always been focused on family fun. But somewhere, it seems that they're forgetting that a family consists of older members too and somewhere, the idea of fun is being stamped on while certain developers shit down it's neck !

Third party support, not fucking third world support Nintendo, you silly bastards ! Bring on F-Zero that's what I say - especially using that wheel which we'll be using for Mario Kart. And kick these developers up the ass too and get them making games which older gamers can enjoy. I'm not saying bollocks to the kids, I'm saying there needs to be a balance here - I'm sure I remember the idea being inclusion, not exclusion.

That's really the issue that needs to be addressed by Nintendo. I would say that it could do with better online support, but its not really a prime concern with this console and I doubt Nintendo are too bothered about it. Afterall, the whole point of the Wii is family and friends fun. If you're not all in the same room, flailing around like idiots and laughing at eachother, then the atmosphere the Wii is meant to bring is gone. So little is needed in terms of online support, beyond of course an online Pokemon RPG, etc. But unless that one major issue is seen to, Nintendo risk screwing up this initial massive breakthrough and losing a lot of momentum.

posted @ 9:15 am
0 comments

Tuesday, September 19, 2006
September Rant

So another month almost over and things are starting to pick up with the whole next gen "war". Of course with war tends to come atrocities, atrocities such as Europe getting its latest dose of severe shit pipe raping with no lube from Sony. I'm really starting to wonder if Sony are actually as thick as they seem to be desperate to make themselves look, or if there's some other motive to all this crap they've been pulling.

Maybe they have that whole dangerous attitude of "We're invincible !" and have decided to show their competitors just how dominant they are. Maybe its a way of sticking a finger up at Microsoft and Nintendo, as if to say "Look at this ! We can treat our consumers like complete fuckwads and the bell ends will still buy our consoles !"

At least that would kinda make sense, cause otherwise I'm struggling to come up with any other explanation that they can be aiming for. Its just such blatant stupidity with the likes of Kaz Hirai, its a wonder the twat still has a job !

Nintendo have finally announced the release date for their new console now, much to the excitement of thousands. I was reading through the whole news of it and of course found out that we'd be getting Wii Sports thrown into the deal. Now don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to playing it as much as anyone else, but come on, I'm sure they could have come up with a better title than Wii Sports. Maybe I'm a childish nob, but I couldn't help but have this image of something very different to the innocent fun that Nintendo intend with the title. With the help of that controller, I suppose one way to look at it would be the chance of a pissing sim, where girls could find out just how hard it is for us guys to aim into the centre without splashing the seat with processed beer. Maybe as an extra difficulty setting, a blur effect could be added so they could have that extra challenge of aiming while pissed.

On the Microsoft front, the Live Cam is coming. No doubt there's going to be plenty of stuff to look forward to in terms of enhancing the whole Live experience, but I think we all know that its going to be massively abused. Hairy ballbags for gamerpics, guys mapping their arse to the face of their Rainbow Six character and then of course the extra shit the girls on Live will be faced with. For all the talk of trying to attract other audiences to gaming, this could well be the thing that sends the idea flat on its arse.

On another note - Game, yes the shop. The shop that has stabbed its little fingers deep into my wallet for years has really fucked me off this month ! I bought Ninety Nine Nights early this month and after a couple of levels, started getting problems with it. No red lights on the 360 and all my other games worked fine. So like any other person, my first thought is to take it back to the shop and exchange it for another copy that works. Unfortunately I couldn't find the receipt, but then its not like I'm asking for a refund or a different game, so surely there shouldn't really be a problem - I'm a regular after all.

So off I go to the usual shop I buy in (there's two of them in this particular location). I goto the counter expecting a quick swap for another copy of my faulty title. Instead, I'm confronted by this fucking miserable little emo bitch who seemed to be trying to win some "I take no shit" customer service award ! Not only does she practically blank me as she recites the company policy to me over and over again before I can even finish a sentence, the little bitch who couldn't have been older than 17, couldn't have been more condescending !

Struggling with an inner urge to slash her fuckin wrists with my loyalty card, I decide to just leave and goto the other shop nearby. Spotting another new member of staff and fearing a similar outcome, I resort to the classic "I got this from a friend/family member" line. The result remains pretty much the same, but for a slight glimmer of hope - "Uh..... are you online...?" No, of course I'm not, I get on XBox Live by plugging my 360 into a badger's arsehole !
"Uh... then you can call customer services and get them to look at the history on your loyalty card and give you the number of the transaction to give us and get your game exchanged...."

So I get home and end up having to call the next day. Luckily Game only employ the best people and I get the next fucking oaf on their employee list. Another condescending, miserable bitch. She looks at my purchase history and turns into fucking Miss Marple. "You've got a lot of returns on here" (which I count up to about seven in the last year or so) - I got told this like I'd just been found out as some dodgy criminal. Its called the no questions 10 day returns policy you had, you stupid bitch ! Why else would anyone buy anything from this poxy company when they can buy from a number of other places for at least around a tenner cheaper !

With the amount of money these bastards have had out of me over the years, I should have been hearing something along the lines of "Would you like a blowjob with that sir ?", not getting constant poxy grief ! Of course I didn't tell her that, otherwise I was never going to get this bloody FAULTY game traded. She grudgingly tells me that I need to go back to the shop and get them to call through to her and that she will then confirm that I did indeed buy the game from their shop (urge to kill, rising).

So, back to the shop where this time, I'm served by a member of staff whose actually been there awhile. I explain the situation (again), adding what I was told by everyone else. The guy raises an eyebrow and says "Whatever.... dumb bastards...", takes my game, walks a foot to the cabinet behind him and GASP, gets me another copy ! Wow ! He did in three seconds what those other fucktards couldn't do between them ! My faith in humanity is at least partially restored ! My faith in Game however, isn't. With the cheaper price and regular occurrence of getting the games before the official release day, my money will be going to internet traders.

As for console launches, I'll goto Gamestation. Its harsh, but the excitement should be more than enough to help me deal with that fuckin horrid smell and shitty music they insist on playing.

posted @ 11:06 pm
1 comments

Monday, March 20, 2006
Censorship On XBox Live

A few years ago, XBox Live was going to be this amazing worldwide community. A place where people from all over the world could meet and play games. And according to all the pictures in the early (and current) advertising, we'd all have big smiles on our faces and be sitting in a room of friends on a couch and we'd all be of various races and sex, because we are all tolerant, wonderful people and respect eachothers ethnic background. And of course we want our couch of ethnic variety to meet other smiling couches of ethnically varied people.

Early on in the advertising, we were also introduced to what must be, the only politically correct trash talker on the face of the Earth - at least when it comes to online videogames. "Master of Kung Fu ? Ha ! More like master of monkey poo !" he would say, before being soundly beaten. Then he would say "Right, I'm going to play you on this game now and I will get my friends to join me !"

One is a clean living, non ignorant American student. Another is an English guy working in London who so happens to have his XBox in the office he works and has the gamertag Steel Crumpets (groan). Then of course there is the Japanese guy who doesn't speak a word of English, but would probably make a great friend to confide in if he did. Or he probably would be that anyway, cause at least you could rest easy in the knowledge that he wouldn't go and tell everyone the secrets you just told him.

So the team of worldwide friendship forms and they combine forces to tackle this lone gamer who has defeated and humbled their "trash talking" comrade. But oh no ! The lone gamer now goes on to completely destroy them all on a sports game and turns off the cool sounding Vader style voice masking to reveal the voice of a 12 year old girl ! Oh no ! So the trash talking gamer falls to his knees, almost in tears calling out "Why ?..... Why ??"

Well, out of that, they got the tears right. Of course I've already mentioned in the past exactly what XBox Live is like and for every politically correct, worldwide friendship game that may be going on right now, you can guarantee that theres around a million others that are the complete opposite atmosphere. Of course its no fault of Microsoft - people are just assholes, its common fact.

Of course Microsoft and the game developers do their best to tackle the problem, but in some ways it can become quite comical. Like recently, I'm playing Fight Night 3 and am about to create a private game so I can fight against a friend. I go to set up a lobby for us and have to name it. I type in "redneck" and am instantly prompted to type a different name, as the one I have chosen is offensive and not allowed past the swear filter. Well, all I can say is, thank christ for EA - protecting me against such filth. Our children are safe now eh ? If only we knew our children were in the next room screaming the N word at people down their XBox Live mic at every given opportunity - the cherubs.

Thing is, until some way is found to amazingly seperate various types of players, being put in a position of being offended is unavoidable. We are not all smiling, tolerant and friendly people that use the word "poo" to relieve our frustrations and push our luck with the bounderies of foul language. No, people are alot more open with their beliefs and language in the real world - especially when they are behind closed doors and a TV screen and have a mic stuck to their head.

So my eyes are protected from the terrible sight of the word "redneck", but five minutes later I'll be in a game, with some 13 year old kid throwing the full profanity dictionary at me and screaming the N word at me repeatedly. I guess its kinda like attending a KKK meeting, but with everyone in casual dress. Which is a little different to the initial "people of the world hold hands and smile on a couch" image. In reality, it is indeed a collection of people around the world, but this isn't just the guy who likes to sit back with a good game and meet people from around the globe - hes lost in a sea of complete bastards that have to win and attempt to make your life a misery on the way.

Welcome to the world of online gaming - big smiles everyone !

posted @ 2:18 pm
1 comments

Saturday, March 18, 2006
Fight Night 3 Addiction

So I've been playing Fight Night Round 3 lately and have gradually been boxing my way into addiction, which has its good and bad points. Good because I'm in a position now where I can't just buy every game that comes out whenever I feel like it, so having a game that keeps me hooked for ages is great. On the other hand I find myself constantly playing Eye of the Tiger over the actual game music as I play and I've also developed this habit of, moving, ducking and weaving with my boxer as I beat people up over XBox Live.

I also spent 3 hours last night creating Mike Tyson on the create a boxer section. Might try my hand at making Frank Bruno and Joe Calzaghe soon. And Clubber from Rocky.... Cause any game that includes Mr T is worth 40 - 50 quid, its not even a point that can be argued.

My Fiancee had to do a stop off flight coming here from the States before and saw Mr T at the airport. He was wearing a golden spoon around his neck - true story. Wearing a golden spoon around his neck, for me, just underlines his god like status. I'd like a golden spoon.... If only to hit people with it.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I met Mr T. Would I ask for his autograph ? Maybe I'd ask him to make it more personal, like add a message just for me, so I could make everyone I know jealous, even if its to tell me to go fuck myself or that he didn't understand a word I'd said to him. Maybe I'd just pester him with random talk and annoy him until he'd shout "Shut up fool !!!" - that would make my life somewhat complete. Or maybe he would just skip that and swing for me, but even then, how many guys would be able to tell their grandkids that they got decked by Mr T ? I guess I'd probably settle for the autograph.

He should at least be a trainer in this game - he'd be a cool cornerman too. Me and T would travel across XBox Live, knocking everyone out from all different Countries. But thats not going to happen, and even worse is that I have to acknowledge that EA have actually made an excellent game for once. At the same time though, its kinda sad that this is an EA game, as they will never try to make it perfect with all the extras people would love to see - as other developers would try to do. Instead, they will add a few touches each time that will do enough to sell more copies, but with minimal effort. But at least it is still the best boxing game ever - except for those stupid stun punches and flash KOs. They suck. And people who keep using them are scum sucking, pig humping whores.

Now I must train, I have a fight later and it wouldn't be right to just do it without a Rocky style build up leading upto the match.

posted @ 4:41 pm
0 comments

Thursday, February 23, 2006
Moment Of Unwanted Fame

Another month, another wonderful experience in the world of gaming and more exposure to the biggest twats living on the planet. Recently, I was happily playing my way through some Perfect Dark Zero and grudgingly playing against the CPU on Dead Or Alive 4, when suddenly I'm notified that I have a new message. I check my humble inbox and find that someones sent me a friend request. I have no idea who the person is and I'm left wondering why they sent it. I haven't played them anytime recently or they'd be on my list of recent players on the dashboard. Just in case its someone from a forum that I go on though, I don't decline it and leave it until I can find out who it is.

About an hour later, another pops up and its the same situation. Then another, and another. Then the next day, I sign in and I have like another four friend requests waiting for me. I'm left confused because although I've had friend requests before, I've never had so many coming in at once. The only conclusion I really come to is that maybe one of the players I recently met such as Vixen or one of her friends has passed my gamertag along to them while I haven't been around, but I don't bother asking.

A few days pass and I'm starting to get pissed off with the constant "You have a new message" note flashing up on the screen as I'm trying to play through my games. I was starting to turn into something like that weirdo Bjork when she attacked that media girl as she arrived in Hong Kong.*Some complete bloody stranger wants to be your friend* "YAAAAAHHHH !!!!!! FUCK OOOOOOOF !!!!!" and other fun and violent reactions.

Then, another message pops up - two in fact, but not friend requests. Nope these were voice messages from someone I've never met. I plugged in my headset and pressed the play button, expecting someone to say "Hi, I've seen you on a forum and wondering if you'd like to play *insert game title here* sometime."

Thats not however, what I actually had said to me, or more accurately, screamed at me. No, this is generally what I actually heard through my headset at the top of his voice....

"OH MY FUCKING GOD ! HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE ANY GOOD AT GAMES !!!??? HOW CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING BOAST ABOUT BEATING FUCKING FIFA, MADDEN AND KING KONG !!! THATS FUCKING SHIT !!! THATS JUST WRONG !!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN BRAGGING RIGHTS !!!???"

This was followed by...

"FUCKING OVER ELEVEN THOUSAND POINTS !!! SHAME YOU'VE DONE FUCK ALL TO GET THEM !!! I'M GONNA FUCKING KICK YOUR ARSE !!!! YOU WAIT AND SEE !!!!"

Now, it wasn't just the content of what he said that took me back abit, but the way he was expressing it. It was like he was on the verge of tears, while also being insulted to the point of actually commiting his life to seeing me dead. The best way I can help you to picture the whole tone of this message, is to try and give you a scenario to picture in your head. Lets pretend I have you tied to a chair. Now lets pretend I have everyone you love and care about in life and I am now laughing as I torture and kill every single one of them in front of you while they beg for your help. Maybe for good measure, I am even spitting on them and pissing on you - have an annoying laugh and look alot like that evil kid who makes fun of Dumbo's ears before getting him split up from his Mum. Picture your reaction to that and that pretty much sums up the mood of this guy as he screamed those words at me.

So anyway, after the buzzing in my ears from the screaming stopped, the good, sensible part of me - the part that is fully aware that I'm 27, tells me to just ignore this guy, be all grown up and let this hostile individual just vent his frustration and move on.

After sending him a voice message full of abuse, another voice message from someone else pops up and is generally said in the same tone. And in case you're interested in feedback about the 360 facilities Microsoft - I found the voice messages to be quite small. I had to use around ten of them to fit in all the abuse I wanted to reply with at times. A few more came along and I even decided to have some fun by making out as though the likes of King Kong and Madden were the hardest games EVER and that this entitled me to actually be referred to as some sort of God that they should worship and look up to. Childish yes, but if you're going to be made into a fuckwit virgin's complaints desk, you might as well make some entertainment out of it.

But then, the words "Bragging rights" popped into my head - it had occasionally been mentioned amongst the waves of abuse. I'd heard these before ! But where ? Then I realised that Bragging Rights was a small section of the Official XBox 360 magazine - attached to the letters page. On top of that, I occasionally post on their magazine forum online. Ah, the mystery of the friend requests and random abuse was about to be solved. I posted a message asking anyone with the new mag to take a look and see if I had been added to that section this month. I also had my Cousin look through the mag as I chatted to him and after a quick flick through, it turned out that I was indeed in the magazine.

The magazine staff had taken a part of a forum thread I had been chatting in and pasted it in the mag. I was discussing what games I had completed so far and what I was currently trying to unlock at that time. Somehow, that was translated into me bragging about it. My Cousin read back the message I had in the mag and this is what it said (from what I remember).

"Not that its anything to brag about, but I've completed Madden, Fifa, King Kong and Call Of Duty 2 so far and I'm now working my way through Perfect Dark Zero and Quake 4. My gamerpoints aren't doing too badly so far :-)"

I have the mag from like two months ago and found the bragging rights section. I'm guessing that this over the top, riot provoking bragging violence I've had printed, is inbetween two or three other people saying something along the lines of "I'll crush anyone on Perfect Dark Zero and then hump their corpse until I can hump no longer !" or "PGR3 is MY game !!! I will own all of you scrubs !!!"

So how great is that ! Not only have I incurred the wrath of losers across the Country for a space in a magazine, the size of a fucking postage stamp, but my first ever appearance in a gaming magazine is of me "boasting" of my amazing feats in conquering a bunch of piss easy games that you'd have to be labotomised to find challenging.

Its like that wonderful time I got to the top of the Battlefront 2 scoreboard - only this time they've given the tossers my details to contact me directly. Its so fun being me in the gaming world lately.

posted @ 4:30 pm
4 comments

Saturday, November 19, 2005
My Moment At The Top

Ever since XBox Live took off, I've never reached the top of a scoreboard. Fact is, the Brits (and Europeans) don't really stand much of a chance in such an accomplishment. Because the Americans are so much better at games ? Far from it, they can cheat and talk shit in a different league, but most of the best players I've encountered are Brits. No, the reason why this becomes mission impossible is because of the headstart American gamers get thanks to the difference in release dates. That was, until recently, with the arrival of Star Wars Battlefront 2.

The original Battlefront game had no scoreboards, but I loved playing the game online - especially as a co-op game with friends where we could have a good laugh with no "I wasn't breast fed as a baby" trash talking twat to spoil the atmosphere.

Battlefront 2 was one of those rare occasions where we actually got the game at the same time as the Americans, but to be honest, I wasn't thinking too much about the newly added scoreboards. My friends picked the game up too and we picked up where we left off with the last game. A bunch of competitive games and a nice helping of co-op that we always enjoyed. Of course with a new game comes new features which we were eager to try out - especially the different hero characters.

After a couple of days of playing and loving every moment of it, I decided to take a look at the scoreboards and see where I and all my friends were. I was happy to find that I was actually first on the main board !

I was quite happy cause it was like my shining moment where I was actually ranked top on a game I loved playing. I decided not to post on the forums I go on about it and boast, but it wasn't long before the guys started noticing and I got a few pats on the back for it. Which was cool cause like I said, its always usually so hard to do.

I continued playing and found that some guys were catching up pretty fast - which pushed me to play even more. But over the following week, the whole achievement just went from being pretty chuffed with myself, to just not being bothered anymore. Why ? Because in the space of a week, my gamertag seemed to have become the most hated name ever. I was looking across forums and people were accusing me of cheating (which is real rich coming from Americans) and generally giving me abuse.

I didn't bother registering and replying, because I know I would have just ended up spending most hours of the day, jumping from retarded forum to retarded forum, defending myself and no doubt have a friends list full of friend requests from complete wankers desperately wanting to challenge me with their clan of super nerds. I had a few threats telling me I was going to be hunted down online until I was beaten and one American geek even threatened to fly over here and hit me (sure you know where England even is on the map you stupid cunt ?)

In the end, I just wasn't enjoying the game anymore and it was just easier to let the fuckin idiots get to the top of their precious board. But for any of you fuckin tossers that were born as a result of a session of drunken animal anal sex, I'll play the game exactly how I want and if thats mostly co-op with my friends and not fuckin pathetic "we're lords of the universe" nerd clan matches, well tough shit !

Thank Christ for the gamer points idea on the XBox 360 when it comes out. A nice way to compete with friends and not have every 40 year old virgin geek and 14 year old spotty nerd threatening to wear their Yoda costume and then come and use the Force on me. Twats.

posted @ 5:38 pm
1 comments

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Memory Lane

Some of my best gaming memories are when I owned Nintendo systems. I loved my NES and SNES.

Probably have a whole bunch of people wondering what the hell I'm on about, but it was like Nintendo's best years, where graphics, hi def and surround sound didn't matter. I hardly ever got any magazines - buying new games was like a great day out - I'd look at all the boxes in Toys R Us (well, the plastic strips that showed a pic of the front and back of the boxes) and pick what one I thought was best.

I didn't get introduced to the likes of Castlevania, Zelda and Probotector (Contra) from magazines raving about how everyone has to buy them and reveal about 3/4 of the content of the games. Everything I got was a gamble from liking stuff like the characters on the boxes or what I read on the back. It all had that exciting moment about it where I knew nothing of how it played or what I'd encounter in the game. There was nobody saying "that games crap cause its graphics are poor", because back then any good graphics were like some special bonus. I'm not ashamed to say as a kid, I was really in awe when I saw the waterfall on the Zelda title screen and the still pic of Gizmo early on in the Gremlins 2 game. When writing up my Christmas list, I would goto shops like Toys R Us, look at the boxes and write down a bunch of titles I liked the look of. The only game I ever got which I didn't like on my NES (which I didn't really choose) was Marble Madness. Then the SNES came out and for the first year, I was still pretty much going on my own gut instincts when picking new games - which is how I was introduced to F-Zero. Then more magazines started to pop up and I started to get one or two with my pocket money. From there, mags started to dictate my game choices and although the SNES remained great for me, with later consoles, the whole excitement shopping for new games drifted off, cause I already knew how everything was going to play, what bosses to expect, etc.

The only time I really seem to get excited when actually going out to buy new games and stuff now is when its a console launch. The XBox has given me loads of games to enjoy, but no matter what system I buy, nothing will ever compare to the years I was playing my NES and SNES. Mags, big graphic enhancements and the internet have taken away the excitement of it all. I've had to force myself away from most XBox 360 pages on sites cause they seem hell bent on ruining every surprise in every game before anythings released. "OMG !!!111!!! A Halo character in DOA4 !!!111!!!" - I don't want to bloody know ! "Heres every level in Kameo, watch this movie as one of our staff completes the whole game and shows you every character". Just doesn't compare to the situation of seeing it on the shelves and thinking "Kameo... looks interesting, I'll give it a look" - and then seeing everything for the first time from your own experiences - from the controls to the credits at the end.

Oh to be a kid again.

posted @ 2:40 pm
1 comments